After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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