he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
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Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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