That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
