What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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