i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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