so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
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I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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