They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
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I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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