Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
