Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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