Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
