i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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