I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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