I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
