his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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