So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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