There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
