I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
