I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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