Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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