ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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