I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
