I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
