i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You were trust falling into bushes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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