I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
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no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
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Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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