Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
