Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
