The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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