My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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