Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
