Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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