I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have aggressive nipples.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
