I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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