Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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