Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
