Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
