I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
someone owes me an orgasm
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
