Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I deserve this hangover.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
