I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
