i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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