Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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