Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
