just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
