I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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