I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
