I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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