Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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