where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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