I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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