I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I need moral support for this bender
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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