I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
