mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
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Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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