Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Send help, water and tortillas.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?