There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.