I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?