This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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