I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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